It’s 2 years today since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Today I feel ok, we are having a wonderful Christmassy weekend. But, earlier in the week I was feeling really quite low about it, I think it was when I realised the date was looming. I wrote this little blog then, I still feel all of these things today, but today I don’t have the black cloud of doom hanging over me quite so much, so I’m able to feel happy too.
I was going to delete this blog as it is quite far away from my usual positive outlook, however, Ally encouraged me to post it. He said that it shows the full picture, and I agree; despite the fact that we do have a happy and blessed life, Cancer is still firmly embedded in our lives.
It’s my 2 year cancerversary.
How do I feel about this? Mainly really, really pissed off. I’m angry, cross, frustrated, sorry for myself, scared, fucking terrified, jealous (of non-cancer people) and after all that now I’m pretty sure I am also grumpy and self obsessed.
I don’t want to be any of those things, I want to be the same person I was 2 1/2 years ago (I can’t believe this photo is over 2 years ago!). I want to look the same as I did then, I want to be carefree, I want to be able to properly raise my arm above my head, and not have a meltdown when I get a scratch on my lymphoedema arm. I want to be able to have a normal cough and cold without convincing myself that the Cancer is back and has spread, the same applies with a head ache, a back ache, a bruised shin, a sore toe (I have lots of those as my horse has very big feet!) in fact any ache pain, snuffle or sneeze.
I want to be able to look into my beautiful daughter’s bright blue eyes without wondering if I will see her grow up, or if I’ll meet my grandchildren. I don’t want to have to burden her with the possibility that because of genetics this could happen to her too (please world, I beg you, don’t let this happen to my baby.)
I don’t want to have to plan my life around monthly, painful injections into my stomach. I want to go on holiday without wondering if I’ll have to find someone to give me my jab while I’m away. I don’t want myriad upsetting, debilitating and painful side effects from the drugs I’m on for the next 9 years. I don’t want Filly to be an only child, I wanted her to have 3 or 4 siblings. I don’t want to have denied my husband more children, or to burden him with a wife who, lets face it, looks weird. A wife who he has to walk on eggshells with because of the drug side effects.
I don’t want my parents to have had the stress and worry that they will outlive their daughter. I don’t want to have heard the reactions from my brother and my granny when I told them I had cancer. I don’t want to have lost friends because they didn’t know how to treat me. I don’t want to have to know that people I thought cared about me don’t, and haven’t been in touch during the last 2 years. I don’t want to have people look at me with the ‘sympathy head tilt’.
I don’t want to have to be grateful that I had brilliant care from the NHS, I don’t want to be grateful that I am here to tell you all this *
I don’t want any of it.
Fuck you cancer.
*although, of course I’m enormously grateful the the NHS and my friends and family for being so supportive. Please don’t think I’m not, today is just a tough day.